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    6/1/2009

    被背叛的恨

      醒来的时候周围一片漆黑。小刀去上课还没有回来。外面的灯光隐隐约约射进屋子里。
      这不是我做过的最长的梦。但应该是这半年或者一年来,做过最难受最沉重的梦。我忘了梦是怎么开始的,然后我就坐在教室里,突然就和老皮还有乃配吵架了,她们坐在我后座,我很生气的扯着她们的头发,不停的打她们,然后躲在座位上哭,然后继续打她们。中间还收拾了座位里的书,好像我是要离开这里的。我不记得了。只记得自己在座位上哭到心都要吐出来了,然后又继续打她们。梦里面的我做这些事的时候就已经是很难受很难受的了,当我醒过来发现这是梦的时候,真的真的好想哭。她们曾经是我初中时代最要好嘴要好的两个朋友,后来上高中之后因为种种原因我们都不再有联系了。可能是因为种种误会。复读的时候和乃配和好过一段时间,可是高中毕业了之后就真的再也没联系了。心底有一丝丝的恨意,因为曾经把她们当做最好的朋友,可是结果却是这样的,因为那些根本不重要的人让我们变成这样。
      后来再去看以前初中高中在我的BBS上留的言,觉得乃配比我残酷,我比老皮残酷。可是究竟最被误会的是谁,我也不知道。那个时候,以为某个东西是唯一,然后就朝着它不停的奔跑,以为会是唯一的梦想吧,可是最后得到了么。每次假期回家翻开高中同学录看到我在首页写的那些话,和我们曾经且唯一的大头贴,我觉得一切都好像是个错误。如果可以一直停在初三的时候那就好了。
      梦里面的我哭到要崩溃。
      还有那些伤人的话。我每句都记得。
      现在才明白,果真不能对你们太真,太认真。就像现在的所谓的朋友,也不过是泛泛之交,平时说得好好的,要怎样怎样,可是到了最后关头还是只有我一个人,她们站在远远的地方观看一场战争,因为和她们利益无关,所以就选择了袖手旁观。是那种被背叛的恨意,使得我在梦里对她们大打出手,可是又是因为对她们曾经的信任,使我成为一个极大的矛盾体,在结束之后感到崩溃。
      没有办法去忘记。

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